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Look to science for answers. Today, we have pelvic MRIs and thermal imaging of the thighs. We have the new science of sexual psychophysiology to help us become better lovers. Now we can piece together a plan that appeals to both a man's quest for understanding and his need for action. And buddy, if none of this stuff works, at least she'll know you tried.
1 Send a meeting request
As you round the half-year point in a relationship, spontaneous sex-the kind you had behind that bush on your fifth-date picnic- now happens only in movies. Why? Because you're both busy with work and commuting, and besides, there are tweets to follow! And also because, well, women have different sex drives than men do. You knew it. But did you know about the bonobos?
In a recent Canadian study, researchers showed men and women a wild variety of video clips: Men and women engaging in heterosexual and homosexual acts, men and women masturbating, and bonobos-a type of ape- making wild monkey love. While the videos played, researchers measured participants' arousal using photo plethysmographs- gauges that monitor the swelling of the penis and the engorgement in the vagina. The viewers also rated their own arousal by adjusting a virtual gauge.
The men's results were straightforward: Their erections matched their self-reported arousal. But the women were a different story. The straight women said they were turned on by men, the lesbians by women- and neither by the apes. But the probes in the women's vaginas revealed arousal by all the sexual images, animal and otherwise. So women can be physically aroused without their minds noticing.
That result dovetails with a new model of female sexual response that goes something like this: A woman's desire to have sex may kick in only after she's physically aroused. Sounds like a catch-22, but you can make this work. According to Gurgaon-based psychiatrist Dr Vinita Malhotra Jha, a woman's motivations for sex are complex and include emotional closeness and boosting well-being.
Mumbai based psychiatrist and sex counsellor Dr Rajan Bhonsle says: "It helps men and women know that it's okay to start sex without the primal physical attraction. It's about putting other things in place-emotional intimacy, willingness, stimulation and then the desire will come. A woman needs to feel respected, valued and romanced by a man before she has intercourse with him."
So put those things in place: Set a date and time, establish that sense of well-being (dishes done?) and emotional closeness ("Tell me more . . ."), and sex happens. Waiting for spontaneity can take forever.
2 Play handball
Here's a scientific finding that shouldn't surprise any guy who's ever watched beach volleyball: Elite female athletes have better clitoral blood flow and better sexual function than sedentary women do. Turkish researchers reported this in a recent issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine after studying 25 professional volleyball and handball players, and 25 non-athletic women.
The women allowed their clitoral blood flow to be measured by Doppler ultrasonography. The athletes had higher levels of nether-region blood flow. This shows that fitness correlates with better sexual function and satisfaction, the researchers say. (See Tell her she's beautiful.) Exercise helps in other ways, too. At the Sexual Psychophysiology Lab at the University of Texas at Austin, a group of women visited on two different days. One day they watched a travel documentary followed by an erotic film.
Another day they exercised for 20 minutes on a treadmill and then watched another travel/porn double feature. Scientists who measured the women's vaginal bloodflow during the two films found that their sexual arousal was 150 per cent higher on the day they exercised. Exercise activates the sympathetic nervous system, preparing the body in some way for a sexual response. "Then when put in a sexual situation", says Dr Bhonsle, "Their bodies respond more quickly and intensely. This doesn't mean you drag your partner to the gym if she doesn't want to go. Any quality time spent together helps build a better relationship."
So exercise together. Watch soppy movies together. Whatever you do, ditch the travel docus (unless there are bonobos there).
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